Firsts
by AquaTurquoise
Summary: After someone passes, there are several new "firsts" people have to face in order to determine a new norm. When The Queen passed away, many in the castle also experienced such "firsts." *Dedicated to trueGeek*


Firsts

Summary: After someone passes, there are several new "firsts" people have to face in order to determine a new norm. When The Queen passed away, many in the castle also experienced such "firsts." *Dedicated to trueGeek*

Disclaimer: I don't own _Sofia the First_.

A/N: I need to warn you all right now. This is going to be _sad_. It randomly hit me one night all the things we lose when someone leaves us, whether it's getting that person's laundry from the dryer and realizing he or she will never wear it again, or coming across a random grocery list that person wrote and saving it just because it was his or her handwriting. I've been there myself. It's the little things we miss…and this story is no different. And if you were looking for something that might make you a little teary-eyed, this is it. :) By the way, this story is different in that it is "told" from several different people's perspectives during this specific time, so it's not a "current" story. Rather, it's one last visit to the past, like a memory in a way… Also, the story intentionally ends abruptly, because after the last person's POV, there is literally nothing more to say. Just wanted to let that be known. ;) With that said, hope you enjoy.

PS: I'm not a big crier or anything, but Amber's perspective hit me _hard_ when I wrote it, and I had to stop writing just to cry for a few minutes. So…just a fair warning. Lol.

*Story*

 **Roland**

It had to be a bad dream…one that never ended. I didn't think I had any more tears to cry, but yet again, I surprised myself. Waking to the reality that you're gone is like purposefully pouring salt in an open wound.

I woke early that next morning, probably close to 4:00 AM, simply because my busy mind wouldn't allow me to rest any longer. It was bad enough waking before I was ready, but it was worse when I realized I awoke to nothingness. Your side of the bed was untouched, but even without checking I could tell those sheets were likely ice cold. You had a natural warmth—in your smile, in your eyes, in your touch… Nothing could ever come close to matching that.

That first time I woke up to see that you weren't there, I felt…empty. I was just this hollow shell of a man, lost without the one person who had supported me through life and loved me as much as you loved our children and our people. That first morning was hard…

Then again, the previous evening hadn't been much better. We used to bid the twins goodnight together, a kiss to each forehead and perhaps one last song before they drifted to sleep. Do you know how hard it was to sing them to sleep myself? My voice cracked a few times, and I tried my best to stay strong and not cry, though I could tell it wouldn't have mattered…they were already crying themselves. I dried their tears and told them I loved them, and that you loved them. It was the first time I let our children literally cry themselves to sleep…

But no one dried _my_ tears… I could put on a brave face all I wanted, but while the dark of night can be comforting sometimes, it can also be so, so lonely… When there is literally nothing or no one to see, and when you strain to hear the slightest hint of a breath when there isn't one…it can be maddening. It took everything within me to force myself to sleep. It took months before I managed to sleep in that bed again after that painful first night. I'd had to resort to sleeping on a sofa instead. It was too much to be in the one place where I could still _swear_ you should be…

Yet I suppose the worst thing was the first time I'd never hear your voice again… I could wrap myself in the kind sound of your voice forever echoing in my mind, but I knew it would never again speak a single word on this earth. Memories are made for a reason, but even remembering your voice wasn't enough. I wished I could bottle it up and uncork the bottle when I needed to hear you say something—anything. Even if it's just, "Pick up your socks, Roland! Don't make Baileywick's job harder than it is." And then you'd always giggle… I missed that…so much.

But I had to move on. We all did. There was no use in holding on to the past. It was perfectly fine to grieve and to mourn, but you wouldn't have wanted us sitting here moping our lives away… In your honor, we moved forward…and sometimes I think I actually _do_ hear your voice… I hear it when Amber sings and when James laughs. In a way, I guess you _are_ still here…and always will be.

 **Cedric**

Your Majesty… The castle grew even drearier for me when you passed away. Your family was in constant disarray, as they should have been. No one was happy for several months. It felt as if the joy had been quite literally sucked from the kingdom.

When I finally did get the motivation to work on one of my spells again, I actually did it correctly the first time! I was so excited, and I couldn't wait to tell you when you came to vis—

Oh… Oh, that's right. I wouldn't get those visits anymore…the cheerful, kind-hearted woman I'd come to see as a very good friend. You were my encouragement when I never received it from anyone else. You were the strength I needed to strive to be a better sorcerer, not to mention human being.

But that first time I realized I had no one to share my victory with, I withdrew…for a good number of years. I spoke to few people unless prompted or ordered. I delved deeper into my work. I became a recluse with a negative outlook on life. Who could blame me? My family (save my mother and eventually young niece) saw me as either a failure or a joke. The kingdom thought me a laughing stock after the Cordelia incident. The expectations grew even higher as time passed… It was hard trying to prove myself to be a "great sorcerer" like you always said I could be. It's too bad no one else saw what you saw, save Sofia when she arrived a good while after the fact. Yet again, you were the first, Your Majesty, who believed I could be so much more than the world saw.

Thank you…

 **James**

Mom, I know I was little when you left us, but I still remember the first time I was playing with Rex when he was a puppy right after…you know. You used to play with us, throwing the stick for him to fetch. It was brilliant!

Honestly, I wasn't really playing like I should… I'd just throw the stick and he'd bring it back. But—and please don't tell anyone this, because I don't want them to know this secret… I kind of started crying in the middle of our game. I was filled with so much sadness at that point, realizing I'd have to play with our puppy on my own from now on. Rex apparently sensed I was upset and came over, licking me until eventually I ended up laughing.

I hope you're not mad that I was laughing right after crying about missing you. I mean, I don't think you _would_ be, because you want Amber and me to be happy, but… I don't know. I guess I just wanted you to know that it _was_ hard doing things and trying to "go back to normal" after you left.

It wasn't fair, Mom, that someone so nice and loving had to leave. The best people always seem to leave before we're ready for them to… Why is that? Again, I don't know. But even though I miss you every day and I'll always miss you, I'm doing okay… Growing up is hard without my mom, but my other mom—you know her, right? Miranda? She's really awesome—is making things easier. She's like a bonus mom. You'd like her, Mom…really. Love you!

 **Amber**

Mommy, the first night I got ready for bed after you passed away was so hard. I didn't want to go to sleep. I was scared I'd have nightmares…involving closed eyes and crossed hands—

No! No…

Daddy was still downstairs, so I did sneak into your room. I found your hairbrush on your vanity… When I picked it up the first time after you were gone, I could smell your perfume still on it, and though I never thought to focus on it before, I could see a few strands of hair as blonde as mine in it. It sounds silly, but that was sort of comforting to me…like a part of you was still there. Mommy, I took the brush and locked it away in my trunk in my room. Daddy later found out and gave me permission to keep it, which made me happy.

Speaking of brushes, the first time _you_ didn't fix my hair was so hard. I was used to your gentle hands brushing out my stubborn tangles. Instead, I had to rely on James—I repeat, _James_ —to brush my hair. He tried his hardest, but it wasn't the same. Nothing would ever be the same.

You know what else was hard? Our first family dinner without you. I've never hated small talk so much in my life… Who wants to talk about the weather when all you have on your mind is your mother? I wish people would have realized it was fine to keep someone's memory alive instead of pretending like things were okay. They weren't okay. You were _gone_ … The first times are always hard, Mommy.

But over time, I've realized you're never really gone. I feel you around me all the time. You're probably that little voice in my head that tells me when things are right or wrong. It's like, "What would Mommy say or do in this situation?" And I just go with my instinct… You're my instinct, Mommy… I love you so much and I miss you every day, but I want you to know…I'm going to be just fine.

 **Baileywick**

My job was always to look after you all, Your Majesty. It was so strange the first day without you there. You always used to pass along information I needed, yet King Roland did so that first day… Eventually, I got used to a new norm.

But the one thing that stuck out in my mind that first day was the laundry… I'd delivered the children their clothes, and I also passed King Roland's to him. And then I came across the last dress you wore…

It was a soft gold color with olive accents throughout. Even though it was freshly washed, I could still smell the hint of your favorite fragrance you always wore…like it refused to be laundered away. As beautiful as it was, it looked so lonely without its owner… Not to mention, I had no idea what to do with it.

I couldn't very well just put it in your closet… What would have been the point? I didn't want to give it to your husband or children, because…of obvious reasons. So instead, I located a gift box and carefully wrapped it up, tying the box with a golden ribbon. When everyone else was busy or distracted, I placed it on your side of your bed and adjusted it as well as I could.

Later that night as I was doing my final rounds of the evening, I could have sworn I heard sobbing coming from your room… It wouldn't have surprised me. That dress was always one of King Roland's favorites, after all…

The end


End file.
